Happy?

When I'm having a bad day I often imagine someone asking me, "Are you happy?" I like to sit and chew over my response. Sometimes it's robotic, "Of course I'm happy." Sometimes defensive, "What, like you're way happier than I am?" Sometimes heartbreaking, "I'm not sure."

What is happiness anyways? What makes any one person happier than the next? What "right" and "wrong" choices were made to create this state of being happy?

Psalms 16:11

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

The presence of God, Ah...there it is; my joy. There are so many things in life that have drawn their swords ready to defeat my happiness. It could be something as small as not getting some alone time in my day. It could be the exhaustion of caring for my family. Maybe it's hormones that are out of my control. Or maybe I'm allowing my mind to wander in moments of weakness to different paths I could have chosen. Is it regret? Is it discontentment? There are a million things that can keep me from feeling happy today, but I remind myself of the joy! I can make the choice. I can choose happiness in spite of circumstances or surroundings. Joy is not dependent on making the right decision. It's solely held in the presence of Jesus! Can any of us truly say we are happy every moment of every day? Are we all so ashamed of our own vulnerabilities to admit there are moments of doubt, frustration, or sadness? After all, we are living in a fallen and shaky world. Of course these emotions do exist! We are all given a free will and we've all been irresponsible with it. But Hallelujah we have a gracious Lord who doesn't make our joy dependent on ourselves. We can choose to be happy in Him! And what freedom there is when we admit our lives are not the things that make us happy. The mercy of God showers us with relationships and unique experiences that are worth a million smiles and gigantic belly laughs. The gift and challenge is recognizing His face behind each and every one of them.

Are you happy? Am I happy? Yes and no. The day has started out well and I feel good. I do have a sick baby which could quickly turn my morning sour. He's whiny and I'm tired. I may have to focus hard to see His face through all the snot and coughing, but it's there! He's smiling at me, through me, through my son, through my sleepiness, through my nerves, through the breeze! It's there I can feel it. I can choose it for myself!

Lord, in You I find joy and happiness. Even when days are bad your goodness is enough. Even when I lose control of my mind and my emotions go crazy you are good and I choose to find joy in your presence. Forgive me for making my happiness so dependent on temporal circumstances and inconveniences. Make me more like you. May my face shine with smiles of Heaven and may I be brave enough to admit my own weaknesses and struggles. In your lovely name, Amen.